Celebrate Aztec Cultural Enrichment!

The facts of Aztec immigration to Australia are relatively well known, mainly thanks to our truth-seeking ABC and the Human Rights Commission. Surely their fearless examination of what some regard as difficult issues is cause for much rejoicing, demonstrating as it does the immense gains in cultural enrichment our modest taxes have purchased. However, for those who came in late, let me recap the main points.

The relentless oppression of minority Aztecs by Christian Mexicans understandably resulted in the former defending their cultural norms. Those efforts inspired further repression of time-honoured practices up to and including the imprisonment of community leaders, the closure of temples and freeing of their slaves. No longer were Aztec priests able to raise as offerings to their sun god the still-beating hearts of sacred ceremonies’ co-celebrants. Young Aztecs, raised by parents in the devout hope their children’s flayed skins might one day be worn by community leaders in honour of their idiosyncratic deity, found themselves “marginalised, dis-enfranchised and alienated”, as the Human Rights Commissioner Tom Northsupial put it in a landmark tweet.

The Aztec issue was at the forefront of concern by some of the most prominent nations on the UN Human Rights Council. Delegates representing Algeria, China, the Congo, Cuba, Iran, Libya, Qatar, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Venezuela all agreed that Aztecphobia was real and rampant, with a submission by Federales Commissioner Ashtonio Circus further identifying a certain Catholic prelate, Cardinale Jorge Bell, as a prime instigator of abusive intolerance. So great was this cleric’s evil, the Commissioner stated, his force had been obliged to neglect matters pertaining to the protection of life and property in order to provide media outlets with all available rumour and accusation detailing those alleged offences.

In Australia, the Aztec cause was consistently championed by the progressive multiculturalists of the Always Leaning to Port party and their allies, the Verdant Vegans. Then-Port Party leader Olive Green discerned with nuanced eye that the cause of female emancipation was greatly enabled by the Aztec insistence on male preferment. Her incisive perspective — “a just society calibrates patriarchal relativism according to skin tone and voting block” — saw the legislative dismantling of formerly discriminatory restraints on the means by which migrants were authorised to arrive in Australia. Flotillas of leaky canoes and balsa rafts soon made their way across the Pacific.

As a succession of UN rapporteurs touched down at the better hotels in Australia’s nicer capital cities, their condemnations of the country’s inherent racism, prepared on first-class tray tables and ready for release to the ABC, SBS and Fauxfacts press immediately upon landing, dominated headlines and news bulletins. Those who objected to the undocumented influx were justly derided as racist rejectors of otherness. Others who attempted to paint the UN as a nest of rapacious corruptocrats were effectively silenced by the observation that the visitors from Turtle Bay were doing yeoman service by simultaneously and cost-effectively condemning the destruction of Aboriginal civilisation, the Great Barrier Reef, sundry species of frogs and the negligible promotion of penis-tucking in primary schools. Victoria’s premier, Anne Dandrews, endorsed the latter criticism by announcing he had never been happier.

Meanwhile, canoes and rafts discharged their passengers into the welcoming arms of learned friends, many of whom knew Ms Olive Green and her methods from their days at the Slugs & Grubbs law firm. Should they encounter the slightest questioning, the merest raised eyebrow, writs and lawsuits were at the ready, the New-New Australians were assured. Very soon gated communities sprang up in unfashionable suburbs, temples of the Sun and Moon soaring above the suburban skyline. Neighbours who looked askance at those sacred places were prosecuted and sued, while Commissioner Northsupial sought complaints against artists and cartoonists who placed their pens at the disposal of intolerance.

Australia’s newest citizens were finding their feet, mastering the ways of local life and fitting in.

“We must always celebrate multiculturalism because, well, we must,” enthused Pony Terk, local member for the recently renamed electorate of New Tenochtitlan.

Lusty cheers and joyous ululations filled the air as he left the ceremony to mark the opening of another temple, departing to join a protest against the much-reported Mexican policy of poisoning Aztec water supplies.

Tati Sofaris’s support for multiculturalism will grow when recently lodged applications for community-outreach grants are approved