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Taking his cue from fauxborigine Bruce Pascoe, reader Frank Pledge shares the pride he felt on becoming an Aborigine:
At the next census, please tick the box that says you are an Aboriginal indigenous first nations native of this once great country. This request is prompted by my recent experience filling out a medical form when I was referred to see a specialist. One section asked:
“Are you an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander?”
I thought about, then ticked ‘Yes’. The receptionist knew I have no Aboriginal DNA, but did not bat an eye as she said: “There will be no charge for your consultation.” I shook my head and she smiled.
If Bruce Pascoe can grow rich and famous by daubing on the ochre and making up a tommyrot lineage, why not me? If Australia can accept a Sudanese man with 25 criminal convictions (including rape, assault and armed robbery) because he ‘feels Aboriginal’, then I ‘feel’ I am every bit as worthy as him. I recommend that every Australian claim to be indigenous too.
I acknowledge and welcome to modern Australia my mythical ancestors. They managed to survive without inventing the wheel, medicine, pottery, writing, weaving, agriculture, animal husbandry, commerce (money) or stone buildings while devoting 60,000 years to perfecting ‘the world’s oldest continuous culture’. You invaders just never gave us enough time.
I recognise the benefits provided to all Australians by science, philosophy, engineering, British law, fossil fuels, agriculture and the inspiration of Renaissance thinking. Now I demand my share! (Bank account details to follow, plus an accounting of how much you owe me.)
I respect those of our political leaders, past and present and irrespective of their race or origin, for providing all modern Australians with tremendous lifestyle advantages through innovations in science, mining, agriculture, manufacturing, technology, medicine, literature and education.
Now, in the noble cause of diversity, equity and inclusion, I demand those Australians reluctant to assert their notional indigeneity begin immediately transferring ever more of Australia’s wealth and real estate to claimants like me.
I hate to be picky, but I ask that you please pay me in gold. The way the country is going, your WMDs — white man’s dollars — don’t strike me as stable long-term propositions.
I like it. My ancestors used to hold several smoking ceremonies every day until eventually whiteman’s poison killed them so I figure I’m owed a motza from the colonists.
Is it time to grab a dictionary, don our Gandhi robes and undertake some passive resistance when dealing with our new race-based officialdom?
The Sudanese criminal checked his definition of aboriginal and yes he is an aboriginal man of the Sudan – he was asked are you Aboriginal , not are you an aborigine of Australia. So tick the box.
My mate lived on Thursday Is for a while – was he a Torres Strait Islander? Of course. Tick the box.
My neighbour was born in Vietnam. He is happily resident in Victoria now. Is he Victorian despite having no Aboriginal or colonial ancestry? Of course.
I come from 6 generations of Australian settlers, I and my family have got nowhere else to go. Are we indigenous to this country? Of course so now I too will tick the box.
Activist Marcus Stewart is the some 16xgreat grandson of King Robert II of Scotland and is alleged to be only about 6% aboriginal by descent. Is he Aboriginal in any meaningful way or just like another Aussie, like you and me? If he can tick the box so can I.
If a “racist” like Gandhi can change the world by passive resistance then a few million non-racists like us can easily change Australia’s direction by having the courage to tick the box at every opportunity and make a mockery of the Apartheid system that it clearly is
I’m reminded of the “release Brian” scene in Monty Python’s The Life of Brian, when everyone starts claiming to be Brian.
Yairs, I have been ticking all those boxes for years now, aboriginal & T Islander (tick) reside at 9 Sebasio Street Bamaga 4876, and in the last few years, write in the gender box in -other- “surprise me,” but have never thought of invoicing anyone about it so thanks for the advice.
Dear B O’Hooligan aka Pomphrey Hatrack Smythe, glad to know your living circumstances have adequate amenities in such a remote area- a nearby serviced public toilet (Male AND Female) including access to a covered verandah, free electricity points and ?fluoridated plumbed water on site and a playground. Trust the fishing and mango crop is just as good. Perhaps consider planting a coconut or 2, a lime tree, as to avail yourself to home-made nummus. With a cold beer if available.
A relative told me of his daughter who was given ‘skin’ by local indigenous in the Northern Territory. She was at a local school for 6 months during the parents architectural assignment. She has a South American mother, Australian born Chinese father. Today she is spectacularly successful and claims indigeneity, lots of government business. True story